he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
