I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
