Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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