Life is so much better after having sex.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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