I feel like abortions should bother me more
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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