There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
