I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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