theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
