So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I am midnight drunk by noon
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
