dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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