And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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