Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
organizing the empties. That sober.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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