I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
