The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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