i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
