I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I forget how to act sober
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
