I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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