If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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