i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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