if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
