Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
