wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
