Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
