totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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