Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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