Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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