If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
there's paper in my vomit.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
