I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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