Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
