Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
