I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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