I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
