He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
