i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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