How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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