sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
