and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
