saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
