dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
