trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
