he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
