I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
