Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
