so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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