cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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