I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
