I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
