So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
