I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
