I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
