sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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