Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
