i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
