I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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