I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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